Sleeping with the enemy

It’s been a couple of weeks and much has happened. Lots of love, dislike and self depreciation: all of which are the inspiration for this post.

Everyone has heard of the phrase “You are your own worst enemy”. Some may have had it directed at them. I, on the other hand, appear to have embraced this phrase as my mantra. Making bad choices is one thing. Recognising a good choice and deliberately buggering up is quite the other. I like to admit to doing a bit of both. Some bad choices are made unconsciously (or more specifically in the case of the last two weekends, the bad choice of wine eventually rendered me ‘unconscious’…).  But I have been more focused lately on deliberately getting in my way.

A very close friend and I have been examining the neurosis of the human mind over the last couple days. After a good 2 hours of convincing ourselves we are not in fact epically unhinged, we eventually decided to embrace the obvious (when faced with overwhelming evidentiary support) that we are all a bit unbalanced. (Anyone reading this who thinks “as usual Hannah is talking utter crap, I’m a perfectly balanced individual who has never made a rubbish decision in my LIFE” could probably stop reading now. And then go and throw your pants in the sink because they are on fire due to the epic lie you just told yourself).

We all believe what we want to believe. Sometimes this is good. For example, when I’m told, “Oh definitely the blue dress” I take “They think the blue dress looks nice on me”. Paradoxically there will undoubtedly be a time when I hear “Oh definitely the blue dress” and I will harvest the thought “Oh! DEFINITELY the blue dress?? So the 15 other dresses I tried on looked like shit then??” Sadly, the latter train of thought is just more common in a lunatic such as me. I have ascertained that I am not alone in the “jumping to the mental conclusion” way of thinking. This neurotic disposition exercised by many is (I think) just human nature.

Although when should it stop? When should we take things at surface value and when should we dissect a situation to make it as negative as possible?

Being a member of the fairer sex, I do believe that women (in the context of self-assassination) are more guilty of being their own worst enemy. I’m not one for compliments. The sincerity of a male is never more important than when delivering a compliment. Example, hand on lady’s arse, looking at there cleavage and slurring “sweet” nothings…not sincere. I feel a little sorry for men who genuinely are being sincere and are told to sod off when they pass a compliment to a lady in such a venomous manner, they may as well have just pissed on her Jimmy Choos. But not so sorry that any compliment I receive will be treated any differently.

This indirectly (as many of you are probably thinking “tangent much?!”) does link to making bad choices. Choosing to fear the worst, pick the carcass of a conversation and merely hear the worst or even just deciding you are right beyond all reckoning. Or in actual fact choosing to be positive when deep down you know a situation is hopeless can also reappear in the “I loathe myself for being a colossal fool” kind of way. (Despite the rather pessimistic tone I have acquired to write this, I am occasionally guilty of the latter).

It’s good to have a little hope and faith (not the sitcom). To exude a certain amount of leniency to make a bad choice and accept it was your choice to make and the fall out is yours and yours alone. Despite being furnished with information to support your ridiculous choice that a blind, mentally unstable monkey may have seen through as utter bullshit. You make mistakes to learn from them. (Some are slower learners than others….myself included!)

Back to the gist, of what appears to have materialised into yet another random piece of drivel indulging my neurosis: to make a bad choice will encourage a harsh reaction upon you. To repeat a mistake, is mostly construed as “being your own worst enemy”. However maybe there’s more to it. Maybe you repeat mistakes because you’re not sure you were too far off the first time? (A bit like that first cigarette after waking up with an immense hangover…the next one surely wont make you vomit as much as the first…will it?) You choose to give it another bash just to make sure it wasn’t an extenuating factor that made you cock up the first time. Sadly, I’ve not one self-glorifying story to support this. But I shall keep making bad choices in order to clarify my theory. And I shall continue to feel the fool. But each time I do, I will learn something: no amount of bad choices will damage the good intentions to which I intend.

Of course, there is no measuring my stupidity at times. So you could expect a post very soon entitled “Pass the wine, I’ve done it again!”